ALAN SIMPSON

...is being interviewed by Chris Matthews right now, and from the looks of it, he's trying to win a Malkin/Dole award for "least responsible innuendo about Kerry's military service". The short version is...

Simpson: There's something difficult to understand about how a man could get three Purple Hearts in four months.

Matthews: Are you saying that he didn't deserve his Purple Hearts, or that any of them were self-inflicted, or something like that?

Simpson: Of course not, I'm sure he earned them.

Matthews: Then what exactly is the problem with John Kerry's medals?

Simpsons: I don't know, there's just something difficult to understand about them.

That was all paraphrased, but in the exact spirit of what I saw on the TV. Simpson usually throws some Keith Jackson-esque homespun sayings in there, but I'm not as good with that.

New Rule: No more interviews with retired Republican senators over 70.