RICKY AT YOUR SERVICE

Hey everybody! Get your penises out of your pets! Senator Rick Santorum (R-bigot) is answering your email!

Dear Sen. Santorum, R-Pa.:I'm a proud straight football-loving beer-drinkin' male who loves his SUVs big and his baseball hats backward. Lately I've found that I really enjoy anal stimulation during sex with my girlfriend. Increasingly, my fantasies involve this totally mega-bitchin' hot act. Does this mean I'm gay? --Homo in my Michelob, Florida

Dear Homo: Yes, it most certainly does. And while I have nothing against you as a person per se, I must say I do very much loathe and despise and consider a desperate threat to the very fabric of humanity as a whole those disgusting unspeakable things you are doing. You are a vile unhealthy abominable AIDS-latent family-destroying sinner, and I'm deeply terrified of everything you do and stand for and insert into your perverted little body.

But, that said, I fully accept you. Go, Jets!

-----

Dear Sen. Santorum, R-Pa.: My girlfriend really loves her Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator and uses it almost every day, along with a variety of other sleek insertable toys. We still have lots of good sex, but I'm a little intimidated. Is her love for these gadgets a threat to my manhood? Am I not enough for her? --A Manly Vibe, Oklahoma City

Dear Manly: I'm afraid I have no clue as to what the heck you are talking about. Hitachi? Like the TV sets? What you describe certainly sounds debauched and illegal and quite possibly homosexual and a true abomination against God. And, like I always say, if it sounds icky and wrong, it probably is.

Then again, if you are speaking of fine foreign-made appliances, I am terribly fond of my spinning shoe buffer machine from Sharper Image, which I like to sit on sideways and crank to full volume and moan softly. As for gadgets, I simply love to send flirty little text messages to myself on my PalmPilot and then giggle like a schoolgirl when I receive them later during my daily leeching.

Heh. Communicating with the man by mail is best. Cuz you know, if he was around my family's house, I'd keep the poodle where I can see her...