NO BLOOD FOR CHOCOLATE!

UNITED NATIONS—Responding to pressure from the international community, the U.N. ordered enigmatic candy maker William "Willy" Wonka to submit to chocolate-factory inspections Monday.

"For years, Wonka has hidden the ominous doings of his research and development facility from the outside world," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Given the reports of child disappearances, technological advances in glass-elevator transport, and Wonka-run Oompa-Loompa forced-labor camps, the time has come to put an end to three decades of secrecy in the Wonka Empire."

The chocolate-making capabilities of Wonka's heavily fortified compound have long been a source of speculation. Wonka, defying international calls for full disclosure, has maintained his silence regarding his factory's suspected capacity to manufacture confections of mass deliciousness. (full story)

There are certainly some issues that complicate the situation, issues the crack Onion staff overlooked.

First of all, we musn't forget that Wonka only has his current capabilities because of money funnelled to him from, among others, Halliburton. How else could one explain how Dick Cheney keeps that figure of his?

The deeper irony, of course, is that given the way Bush is handling the American economy, we may very well see various grandparents and other senior citizens living in cramped rooms in groups of 4-6, having to subsist upon cabbage soup and having no joy outside of the relentless optimism and above-average singing voice of one of their grandchildren. And even he could only afford two chocolate bars.