IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SLIP ON SOME ICE AND DIE!

As many fast-food chains introduce healthier fare amid fears of being sued, Hardee’s is serving up a hamburger with 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.

St. Louis-based Hardee’s Food Systems Inc. on Monday rolled out its Monster Thickburger — two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. The sandwich alone sells for $5.49, $7.09 with fries and a soda.

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“Maybe this is a smart strategy because there are still folks out there who care about the taste and size of their sandwich, and less about their weight,” said Jerry McVety, president of the restaurant consulting firm McVety & Associates in Farmington Hills, Mich.

Their weight? Jeez, they should sell that thing with a free stent included.

Not to be outdone,

BERKELEY VERSION: Next week Smart Alec's will announce the debut of the Big-Big-Big-ReallyfuckingBig-A Burger. With a free piece of cornbread. And you can ask out the hot cashier with the bandana.

UCSB VERSION: Deja Vu will top off the on-tap beer of your choice with a half-pound of ground chuck. You get a second one free if you participate in Deja Vu's charitable "Guns for Thongs" program.