WANTED: DEAD OR NOT THAT CONCERNED

There's a new tape from Bin Laden, and its message, taken perhaps from his deep and precise understanding of the Islamic faith, amounts to "neener neener".

Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden, in a videotape broadcast Friday on Al-Jazeera television, claims full responsibility for the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks in the United States and warns Americans that “your security is not in the hands of Kerry or Bush or al-Qaida. Your security is in your own hands.”

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said U.S. intelligence analysts, who were reviewing the tape, believed that the message was authentic and recently shot.

U.S. officials told NBC News, however, that there was no plan to raise the terrorist threat level, currently at yellow, or “elevated,” because bin Laden makes no specific threat. A senior official said the main message appeared to be “I'm still here; I’m still standing.”

If Gore had been President for these last four years, and had been unable to capture Osama, we'd be seeing pretty much the same tape today. Somehow I doubt that Gore would have been planning for an invasion of Iraq at the very time that Osama was at Tora Bora, but that's another matter.

John Kerry released a statement that hits the right notes:

In response to this tape from Osama bin Laden, let me make it clear, crystal clear. As Americans, we are absolutely united in our determination to hunt down and destroy Osama bin Laden and the terrorists. They are barbarians. And I will stop at absolutely nothing to hunt down, capture or kill the terrorists wherever they are, whatever it takes. Period.

Frankly, I'm getting tired of the phrase "capture or kill". He should try something else, just for fun. How about "I will consume as many white pellets as possible until I gain the ability to chomp down upon the terrorists, causing their terrified eyeballs to retreat back to their lair." Yes, that's right, we're enlisting Pac-Man in the war on terror.

But seriously, folks. Maybe it's not the most politically-viable way of putting it, but I sure wouldn't have minded Kerry mentioning, bluntly, that Bin Laden shouldn't have even been able to make this tape, since he should've been, you know, captured by now. But that silly John Kerry had to talk about the future, making "I will" statements. And gee, I thought all he did was whine about the past!