CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS

Splitting one's academic/social life between Berkeley and Santa Barbara provides one with some compelling juxtapositions.

Case in point, today's Wednesday Hump, the mediocre weekely sex column of UCSB's student paper, the Daily Nexus. Our hero, Christina "Huff", tells us about her prepatory ritual for that special, special day, when she plans to --like, omigod-- "go all the way" (oh how risque!) with a fellow to whom she's taken a linking. Here's a portion: (warning, this may or may not be safe for work, depending on your profession)

The shower knows, even before your date does, that you'll be sleeping with him. The reason is simple. Before all your previous dates with the guy, your shower has been witness to a conservative relationship with the razor. Usually, the responsibility of the razor consists of a simple shaving of the armpits. As a matter of fact, not shaving your legs has served as a preventive measure to keep you from sleeping with this guy before you've actually been ready. But not today. On this lucky day, almost everything goes. All that's left is a small landing strip, because after all, though your date's tool may have a big head, it will definitely lack eyes. The feel of a nice, conditioned muff will guide the way.

Dripping wet, and with a new trim, you come out of the shower. For the next hour, hair and makeup reign supreme, requiring undivided attention. After about an hour, you're looking hot, but you still don't have any clothes on. Thank God you've figured out that you really want to wear the red thong; besides, they will look sexy peeking out of the innocent pair of jeans you sacrificed a burrito for. (emphasis TFM)

And all that could come out of my brain was a sentence that began: "Maybe I've been in the Bay Area too long, but..."

Hmm. There are eight University of California campuses. In his well-known (and ignorant) 1993 Foreign Affairs piece "The Clash of Civilizations", Samuel Huntington identifies the eight major civilizations of the world. Coincidence? I'm not sure. Hey, which of the UC's get's the "and possibly Africa" treatment? Santa Cruz? Riverside? By the way, Sam, that's high praise, labeling an entire continent as "possibly" a civilization. They send their thanks. Egads.

I will give the Nexus credit for its charming illustration that went with "Huff"s piece. And okay, I don't know if that really is a pseudonym or not . . . actually I just checked, and it appears to actually be her name. Maybe. Though maybe in some sort of postmodern liberal campus reality, there is nothing more risque and taboo than consensual heterosexual missionary sex after weeks of dating, complete with a thorough makeup and shaving ritual. Frankly, I'm shocked.


UPDATE: And while we're on the subject of university sex columns, the Berkeley blog Beetle Beat goes after this Sex On Tuesday column, claiming that it plays the "all conservatives are stupid because I can find stupid conservatives" card. A quick read of the column itself reveals that this is either a misunderstanding or a strawman on Beetle's part, as Andrea Demaray makes no such statement, merely referring to "BushCo" and "conservative repression-monkeys". It would take a bit of, let's say, creative syllogism to go from there to the claim that all conservatives are "stupid", or in this case, "repression-monkeys".

But let's face it, all repression-monkeys are conservative. (: