OBVIOUSLY THEY WERE DEPRESSED

I try to keep up with the latest breaking news. My goal when I started The Facts Machine was to tap into our nation's, nay, our world's pulse, and delve into that which the collective voice of the earth finds to be the most important.

Today, I believe I have reached the zenith of this process.

20 DAIRY COWS TUMBLE FROM CLIFF IN MARIN
All but 3 merely 'dazed and confused' after fall

Twenty Holstein dairy cows grazing in the green hills of Marin County apparently got spooked late Wednesday morning and ran straight off a cliff, tumbling 50 feet down a steep hillside as stunned motorists looked on.

Miraculously, all but two survived.

Witnesses reported seeing the heifers tumble tail over tea kettle down the the steep hillside before landing in a heap on Lucas Valley Road just west of Skywalker Ranch at about 11 a.m.

Authorities were at a loss to explain what might have caused the stampede but surmised something -- most likely a rattlesnake or a predator of some sort -- frightened one of the cows. The rest of the herd, they assume, simply followed her over the cliff.

"We really don't know what happened," said John Reese, spokesman for the Marin Humane Society. "It's not like cows to venture into areas that are unstable. They aren't creatures that are prone to take risks." (full story)

(Just in case you were interested, the road was called Lucas Valley Road long before Skywalker Ranch came about)

I feel confident that I have done a great service to our lil' spnning ball in the Milky Way by reporting on this. There are, though, some interesting issues this brings up. First of all, what will become of those "Happy cows come from California" ads we see on tv so often? Secondly, we get a shotgun euphemism:

Two cows broke their backs in the fall, prompting a sheriff's deputy -- at the behest of the rancher and the Humane Society -- to "dispatch" them with a shotgun, said Sgt. Doug Pittman, sheriff's office spokesman.

Dispatch? When did Sgt Doug Pittman turn into a Knight of the Round Table?

Then there are the first-hand accounts:

"The motorist said, 'There's cows dropping on the road up ahead,' " Pittman said. "At first the deputy thought, 'Yeah, right.' But then another car came up and said the same thing."

Debrunner hopped back in his cruiser and sped ahead to find "several cows dazed and confused aimlessly walking along the road," Pittman said.

(they're on drugs!!! somebody get Ashcroft here now!!!)

"This was something that I hadn't, in all my years, heard happen," said Lorraine Silveira. "They do go through fences and do fall in a ditch, but nothing like this. There are very heavy trees at the edge, and that's probably what fooled them. They probably thought there was more land there at the edge."

Hmm, maybe it's Wile E Coyote's fault. That damn violent entertainment industry, get Lieberman on the case. Show no mercy, Holy Joe!