FAMILY VALUES

The Bushes were supposed to "restore honor and integrity" to the White House, yada yada. In reality, they boast: A father who bought his son his entire life, daughters wilder than the racist guy from my old high school who drove into the train, a wife who likes to go out on afternoon drives and run over highschool boyfriends, and a brother with a penchant for losing children and conspiring to steal elections.

Oh, and there was Neil, who was in jail during that last Gulf War. He's in the news again, standing up for Bush family values: he's in divorce court!

Neil Bush and his wife, Sharon, are headed to divorce court, and a source says their lawyers are frantically working for a last-minute settlement.

The president’s brother is splitting from his wife of 23 years — there have been published reports that he has a replacement waiting in the wings — and a trial date has been set for mid-April in a Houston court, says a source familiar with the case.

“This thing could get really ugly,” says the insider.“We’re hoping that it will all get settled out of court. The last thing we want now is for the Bush family to be airing its dirty laundry.”

The couple are the parents of model Lauren Bush.

“Of course,” adds the insider, “in the current political climate, maybe no one will touch the story because they don’t want to be accused of being unpatriotic.”

Ahh! An affair! Isn't that what the Bushes aren't supposed to have!?!? Change the tone!?!?!? Though I'm sure they'll play up the big wedding to the new girl somewhere down the line, and use it for political gain.

(hmm a model Bush daughter? what does she wear, caribou?)